Not Settling

I am the woman who follows her own crooked, muddy, rocky path. I enjoy climbing over the many rocks, branches and mud in my way- it’s like a game to me – walking, weaving in and out and running to avoid falling. I am the woman who will wear bright colors in a sea of pale neutrals. I am the woman who is independent and will question the obvious. I am the woman who seeks out people who are different because she seeks to understand human nature that is not like her own. I used to be that girl who says yes to avoid conflict, who would go to the bathroom with large groups of women, afraid of shadows, truths, authenticity and being alone. I will never be that girl again. I would rather be the solitary woman than that girl surrounded by people who call themselves friends.

This past week was a tough one. M and I in particular we fell into that sad place. Homesick and missing friends. Tuesday night we attended M’s first Boy Scout Troop meeting. I sat back and observed the group dynamics and how M was received. We went home disappointed and deflated. M commented on the ride home “Well, that was the loneliest Boy Scout meeting I ever attended.” I wiped back my tears in the dark, once again, this time consoling him- saying- “it’s okay bud- I understand.” I woke up angry the next day- angry that back in California our Boy Scout troop was filled with boys who are friendly, outgoing, and fun and parents who are involved, organized and creative. And that we are no longer a part of those things. Feeling sorry for myself and for M. I went about my day- trying to shift my thinking to focusing on those things that make me happy. Grateful for:

• Creative consulting work that challenges and stretches me to learn new things, question what’s obvious, and keeps me grounded to the reality of the world and its problems
• The precious gift of me time that I give to myself each day by starting it out with 1 hour of either swimming, running, yoga, or cardio workouts
• Friends and family that I can connect with back home through phone calls, text messages, social media and emails
• The renewed bonds that I see between my children and husband because we are truly alone in this adventure and only we can understand what we are going through

Focusing on this shift in thinking worked. That along with some really good wine and a binge watching session of “Orange is the New Black.” By the end of the day I was ready to start again. I went into fight mode. I researched other Boy Scout troops in the area. I emailed 4 different scoutmasters. M attended another troop meeting with another troop the very next day. The jury is still out on that one. I’ve mentioned forming a girl scouts troop and creating a mom’s night out to the kinder moms. I got some positive reactions. I don’t know how things are done here. I don’t know what the right or wrong way is to do something. But you know what? I don’t care. I’m not willing to become someone or something other than who I am in order to gain friends. I’m too old and I’ve worked too hard to go back to that girl I once was.

I am the woman who brings people together and creates the world I want to see and be a part of. I am the woman who will not give up- no matter how long it takes and where I am in this great big world we live in. I will create my own community. I will find my people – it’s just going to take a little longer than expected. Most good things always do.

In the meantime, I will continue to buy myself flowers. Cook really delicious meals for my family. Do some good work in the world. Strengthen Team Jackson. Plan our return trip back to California at Thanksgiving. And live and love life as much as I possibly can.