Not Settling

FullSizeRenderI am the woman who follows her own crooked, muddy, rocky path. I enjoy climbing over the many rocks, branches and mud in my way- it’s like a game to me – walking, weaving in and out and running to avoid falling. I am the woman who will wear bright colors in a sea of pale neutrals. I am the woman who is independent and will question the obvious. I am the woman who seeks out people who are different because she seeks to understand human nature that is not like her own. I used to be that girl who says yes to avoid conflict, who would go to the bathroom with large groups of women, afraid of shadows, truths, authenticity and being alone. I will never be that girl again. I would rather be the solitary woman than that girl surrounded by people who call themselves friends.

This past week was a tough one. M and I in particular we fell into that sad place. Homesick and missing friends. Tuesday night we attended M’s first Boy Scout Troop meeting. I sat back and observed the group dynamics and how M was received. We went home disappointed and deflated. M commented on the ride home “Well, that was the loneliest Boy Scout meeting I ever attended.” I wiped back my tears in the dark, once again, this time consoling him- saying- “it’s okay bud- I understand.” I woke up angry the next day- angry that back in California our Boy Scout troop was filled with boys who are friendly, outgoing, and fun and parents who are involved, organized and creative. And that we are no longer a part of those things. Feeling sorry for myself and for M. I went about my day- trying to shift my thinking to focusing on those things that make me happy. Grateful for:

  • Creative consulting work that challenges and stretches me to learn new things, question what’s obvious, and keeps me grounded to the reality of the world and its problems
  • The precious gift of me time that I give to myself each day by starting it out with 1 hour of either swimming, running, yoga, or cardio workouts
  • Friends and family that I can connect with back home through phone calls, text messages, social media and emails
  • The renewed bonds that I see between my children and husband because we are truly alone in this adventure and only we can understand what we are going through

Focusing on this shift in thinking worked. That along with some really good wine and a binge watching session of “Orange is the New Black.” By the end of the day I was ready to start again. I went into fight mode. I researched other Boy Scout troops in the area. I emailed 4 different scoutmasters. M attended another troop meeting with another troop the very next day. The jury is still out on that one. I’ve mentioned forming a girl scouts troop and creating a mom’s night out to the kinder moms. I got some positive reactions. I don’t know how things are done here. I don’t know what the right or wrong way is to do something. But you know what? I don’t care. I’m not willing to become someone or something other than who I am in order to gain friends. I’m too old and I’ve worked too hard to go back to that girl I once was.

I am the woman who brings people together and creates the world I want to see and be a part of. I am the woman who will not give up- no matter how long it takes and where I am in this great big world we live in. I will create my own community. I will find my people – it’s just going to take a little longer than expected. Most good things always do.

In the meantime, I will continue to buy myself flowers. Cook really delicious meals for my family. Do some good work in the world. Strengthen Team Jackson. Plan our return trip back to California at Thanksgiving. And live and love life as much as I possibly can.



7 thoughts on “Not Settling

  1. Don’t stop being yourself girlfriend. You are a special woman and those who are afraid of change will miss out on a wonderful new friendship opportunity.

    Never, ever change for anyone else!


    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thats it Cuz stick to your guns. I moved a long way to be in Canada, real culture shock. To date we haven’t visited England, maybe nex year. I would say be careful, returning to California too soon could make it harder to live in Missouri. Btw, now I understand why you didn’t say anything when I suggested we come visit y’all at thanksgiving lol.
    Sometimes working through the pain of change and separation reaps big rewards. Embracing difference can be hard but its certainly character building.
    Give it time you are all strong and unified and we are only 12hrs drive away😊😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Have you ever thought about writing an ebook or guest authoring on other sites?
    I have a blog centered on the same topics you discuss and would love to have you share
    some stories/information. I know my visitors would enjoy your work.
    If you are even remotely interested, feel free to
    send me an email.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Liz,

      Hope you are enjoying your trip to Florida. I had gastric bypass surgery last week and have been thinking of sharing my story.

      Do you think this might be of interest to others?

      Happy New Year’s to the Jackson clan!!


      Liked by 1 person

      1. Wow! I am speechless. I would very much enjoy hearing your story and having you share it. Let’s talk!


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