Fall

The leaves keep falling off the trees. The wind twirls them round and round. There are piles of them everywhere I look- they are orange, bright red, olive green, yellow and brown. The trees look naked now- simple wood stumps whose scraggly branches poke you in the head if you don’t watch where you are walking. Fall has officially arrived in St. Louis.

Team Jackson has been here for almost 4 months. It feels longer than that and we feel just like the trees – we’re changing and we are not sure of who or what we’re becoming. Some days it feels like we are suffocating under this gray, cold sky. Losing our sunshine and vibrancy. Other days, we think- yes, we can do this. We can build new friendships, take risks we never thought we would, live outside our comfort zone and be okay.

I’m beginning to meet my people. Many of them are St. Louis transplants. We are a merry band of misfits in this town where outsiders aren’t necessarily welcomed with open arms. I plan to grow this lovely group to create the boldest, most kick-ass women you are ever going to meet in St. Louis.

L and I explore and eat out at a new breakfast place every week. Together, we are working with the middle school to see how we can create a more welcoming environment for new families. L pushes me constantly to go beyond what I know and feel comfortable with. “Let’s go bike-riding to the other side of the city! Let’s go here and here! We have extra tickets to Six Flaggs- here you go!” Oh, L- “don’t you know that I just want to sit inside my warm home and watch TIVO or read a book?  But, L won’t have it.

Key and I have a weekly walking date. We share our life story and how we arrived here and our daily struggle on how we might be able to get by in this town as outsider women of color. Key pushes me too- she forces me to attend elementary PTO meetings- “They expect us to not show up and because of that we must show up.” I like Key’s boldness- “I am completely comfortable with who I am and I don’t need to pretend to be someone I’m not. I really don’t.”  Key is like my reality check in this environment. Hold fast and strong to who you are and don’t you dare doubt yourself for one moment.

Not Settling

I am the woman who follows her own crooked, muddy, rocky path. I enjoy climbing over the many rocks, branches and mud in my way- it’s like a game to me – walking, weaving in and out and running to avoid falling. I am the woman who will wear bright colors in a sea of pale neutrals. I am the woman who is independent and will question the obvious. I am the woman who seeks out people who are different because she seeks to understand human nature that is not like her own. I used to be that girl who says yes to avoid conflict, who would go to the bathroom with large groups of women, afraid of shadows, truths, authenticity and being alone. I will never be that girl again. I would rather be the solitary woman than that girl surrounded by people who call themselves friends.

This past week was a tough one. M and I in particular we fell into that sad place. Homesick and missing friends. Tuesday night we attended M’s first Boy Scout Troop meeting. I sat back and observed the group dynamics and how M was received. We went home disappointed and deflated. M commented on the ride home “Well, that was the loneliest Boy Scout meeting I ever attended.” I wiped back my tears in the dark, once again, this time consoling him- saying- “it’s okay bud- I understand.” I woke up angry the next day- angry that back in California our Boy Scout troop was filled with boys who are friendly, outgoing, and fun and parents who are involved, organized and creative. And that we are no longer a part of those things. Feeling sorry for myself and for M. I went about my day- trying to shift my thinking to focusing on those things that make me happy. Grateful for:

Settling In

It’s been one week since we arrived in this foreign land. Thank you to everyone who sent me some great homeopathic and natural ways to combat mosquitos. I intend to try each and every one!

Now that I’ve had time to process our surroundings- I wanted to share a bit more. The streets and neighborhood we are living in are picturesque. Trees, trees and more trees. The streets are tiny- in fact when you are driving down them- if you see another car coming at you from the opposite side, you have to make a decision to either go for it or pull over. The houses are all brick and look like they are out of a Better Homes and Gardens issue. At the end of our block there is a roundabout island of greenery with a cute picnic bench and table to just sit in and relax. Then you cross this bridge to take you downtown. We are all enjoying exploring the neighborhood with family walks in the evenings. The cicadas are loud and buzz all day long but really begin their song around 6/7 in the evening. It reminds me of my travels to Malaysia and Singapore- a long, long time ago, like a jungle. We saw our first fireflies. They just randomly light up as they fly around. The kids had a great time chasing them and trying to figure out where they would pop up next. There are a million and one bugs that I have never seen before in all these random places throughout the house. There’s this one bug that jumps I haven’t quite figured out if it’s a tick, a flea, a cricket or roach of some sort. All I know is I tried to vacuum it up and it jumped high!  We found this beautiful yellow caterpillar in the grass outside the pool club and thought it simply lovely.