I’m writing on my iPhone on an old soiled couch cushion. There’s nothing left in the house. Some plastic utensils. A pan borrowed from a neighbor. Air mattresses borrowed from a friend. Even the dog and cars are gone.
Yesterday, I woke up with a horrible tummy ache. I had to drop off the cars with Harold- my new best friend who will drive them to Missouri. A complete stranger taking some of my most important possessions. That’s what’s been most stressful to me I think in these past few days. Trusting complete strangers with all of my possessions. But I need to remind myself that is what they are. That’s all they are. Stuff.
I have been stripped bare. And it’s raw. It hurts. It’s humbling.
I have nothing and yet I have everything too. Neighbors who are taking my kids for hours upon end so I can run final errands around town. Friends who are feeding us. I am a part of their day to day life. Not when it’s convenient and clean but when it’s not. Tight hugs that linger for a long time. Blessings and besos (kisses) says Sofie. Final goodbyes. Letters written by hand with crayons. Tears. Letting go.
(The following part was written at 11 pm on the day we left Pasadena)
Closing the door one final time to the house has got to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I didn’t know how it was going to feel, I didn’t know how hard it would be. I thought I had been doing pretty well but at the final moment I completely broke down. I’m glad it was dark. I’m glad the kids fell asleep in the back of the rented Fiat as we drove away. Driving down the 210 freeway to the 605 south, my tears didn’t stop flowing until reaching the 5 south interchange. That’s a lot of miles and a lot of tears. Only M was awake, watching. He said “it’s okay Mom, it’s okay” as he massaged my shoulder. Oh dear heart, the burden of the first-born- I know that burden so well. My little man child.
Blessings and besos.